Mayhem at Hogwarts
by Yami Maibe
Summary: Alucard, Police Girl and Walter become Hogwarts professors. Will the students survive this year?
1. Scared Shitless!

**Mayhem at Hogwarts**

**Maibe: **Yeeeeaaaahhhh! Harry Potter and Hellsing Crossover! I love Alucard! He rules!

**Magdalene:** She got really excited when she came up with this idea

**Maibe:** I love psychos! I wish I had more teachers like Alucard. I only have one. We call him Chuck Norris

**Magdalene:** He scares me

**Maibe:** He's cool!

**Magdalene:** Maibe does not own Harry Potter or Hellsing so please don't sue. YAMI! Put those down!

**Maibe:** (holds .454 Casull and Jackal) MWAHAHHAHHAHAAHAHHAHA!

* * *

**Chapter 1-**

"Did you hear? This year there's going to be THREE new teachers!" The gossip spreads though the Hogwarts Express's compartments. "I heard the one's a muggle!" "I heard they're from an organization that hunts magical creatures!" "Let's hope the one that's taking over the Defense Against the Dark Arts classes isn't a loony."

Harry sighs. _This happens every year! Can't they find anything else to gossip about? _"Harry are you alright?" "Yeah you look a little down mate." Harry looks up at his two best friends, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. "I'm fine. I just find it silly that everyone is spreading rumors about the new teachers. They might be decent and sane." "Heaven forbid if we have another professor like that idiot Lockhart." Ron says before Hermione smacks him across the face. "Ron! That's extremely rude!" "Hey I'm just saying. The only spell he knew and could perform properly was one that erases memories and now look at him. He's can't even remember his name!" He rebukes and rubs his red cheek. Harry laughs as the compartment door is flung open. Neville Longbottom comes racing in, squealing like a pig. "Neville what happened?!" Harry and his friends shout before they hear the sniggers of the Slytherins. "Should have known that Malfoy was behind this." Harry says before he hears the sniggers turn into shrieks of help. "Huh? What's going on out there?" The four Gryffindors poke their heads out of their compartment.

"We're really sorry sir! Please don't kill us!" Malfoy's high pitched cries fill the whole train. A tall man in a red overcoat with a red fedora standing over the terrified Slytherin, holding a black handgun. "Pfft. Pathetic little human. Your blood probably tastes as bad as your lies." The strange man growls and a young woman appears next to him. "Master calm down. You're making quite a scene." She says and tries to tug him away. "Be quiet Police Girl. You've just spoiled my fun." He grumbles and walks away from her and the terrified Malfoy. "Sorry about that. Master's just in a bad mood. He'll calm down before we reach the school." The strange girl says and helps Draco to stand. She walks away from him and stops in front of Harry and his friends' compartment. "The Master doesn't like bullies unless he's the one doing the bullying. I hope that other boy didn't cause too much trouble." She says to the shocked Neville. He shakes his head and stares at her. "Well I'm off then. Bye."

"Did you see that guy?! He's the scariest person I've ever seen! Hermione what's that thing he was holding in his hand? It's obviously muggle-made." Ron says when the chaos is over. "It's called a handgun. Muggles use them to disarm and kill. I'm surprised Dumbledore is allowing that mad man to carry it around!" Hermione says. "He's probably taking over DADA classes. He seems crazy enough to want the position." "Yeah I can't the 'police' girl taking over. She seems too nice." Harry replies to Ron's strange comment. "Did you see her boobs?" Ron whispers to Harry. "How can you miss them? They're the size of Quaffles!" "Wouldn't mind asking her for extra lessons." "She's way out of your league Ron. You'd have a better chance shagging Parvati Patil." The two burst out laughing.

* * *

**Maibe:** Chapter 1 complete

**Magdalene: **Yami why is it so short?

**Maibe: **How should I know?! It was way longer on Word!

**Harry:** I'm glad Malfoy gets what he deserves

**Malfoy:** I'm gonna kill you, you little...!

**Maibe:** (holds Jackal and shoots Malfoy) Bye Bye Crybaby.

**Magdalene:** That's mean. Sorry Malfoy fans.

**Alucard:** I like her style

**Hermione:** Please review this chapter and continue reading


	2. What to do

**Maibe + Magdalene: **We're back!

**Maibe:** And ready for action!

**Magdalene: **As you know we don't own anything.

**Maibe:** Except the laptop we're writing this on

**Magdalene: **And everything in our room

* * *

**Chapter 2-**

"Alucard you imbecile! How dare you attack a student! The Headmaster told me to keep you in line and you nearly killed the boy!" Integra shouts at her vampire servant. "I was just having a spot of fun Master and I was stopping a fight. You should be thanking me." The No-Life King replies and takes out a bag of medical blood from his pocket. "Walter…" "Yes my lady?" "I want you tailing Alucard from now on." "What about classes my lady?" "I'll be there when he's conducting lessons." Alucard smirks. "And don't you dare scare these students any further!" She shouts and lights up one of her cigars.

"We're here." Hermione states as the train stops. "Hey look! There's the psychopath and the 'police' girl but who's that with them?" The students claw their way to the windows. "The one looks like a butler." "The chick must be the psychopath's wife or girlfriend." "No way! She's obliviously in charge of him. He acts like his her pet dog or something." "Who do you think is going to teach us Defense classes?" "The one dressed in red. He seems to know what he's doing." "Did you see the look on Malfoy's face when he pulled out that gun? Priceless!" "Yeah, he looked like he was about to shit his pants!" The gossip continued to spread as the four figures disappear into a Thestral-drawn carriage.

"You seem to have made quite a name for yourself with the students Alucard." Walter says as he hears a snatch of the rumors being spread from pupil to pupil. "Heh heh, I can't wait to start teaching them about vampire hunting. It will be fun to see to look on their faces when I show them a real Nosferatu." The vampire hunter chuckles and strokes his Jackal handgun.

* * *

**Maibe: **Kill them! Kill them!

**Integra:** You're a bad influence young lady.

**Maibe:** Don't care! Now kiss him damit! I wanna see more Master of Monster relationships.

**Alucard: **Please write it

**Integra: **(grabs Maibe by the neck) Don't you dare!

**Maibe: **CAN'T... BREATHE!

**Magdalene:** Oh dear

**Seras: **You know the drill: review and read


	3. Meet and Eat!

**Magdalene: **Why are all your chapters so short?

**Maibe: **I like it short and sweet

**Magdalene: **If you haven't clicked yet we don't own HP or Hellsing

* * *

**Chapter 3-**

"Welcome students, to another year at Hogwarts. I regret to tell you that two of our professors have resigned but lucky we have three new professors to fill the posts for the Defense Against the Dark Arts, Muggle Studies and Divination classes. Professor Walter C. Dornez will be taking Muggle Studies…" Professor Dumbledore indicates to the Hellsing butler and being the humble person he is, bows. Dumbledore nods and continues his speech. "…Professor Seras Victoria will be taking over Divination…" the young vampire hunter stands up and waves at the school. The male percentage of the student body starts to wolf-whistle like maniacs. She starts to giggle before Sir Hellsing places her hand on her shoulder to silence her. Dumbledore clears his throat and holds out his hands to silence his students. "…and our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be Professor Alucard…" All you could hear was the chirps of the crickets as the headmaster gestured towards the empty seat next to Snape and Sir Integral. The young knight sighs and lights up one of her cigars. "Brace yourself professor… Alucard's about to enter the room…" She whispers to Snape and turns her attention towards the Great Hall's entrance.

"Aaahhhhoooowwwwlllll!" The howl of the Hellsing pet echoes though the castle and sends chills down the faculty and student body's spines. Shadow's engulfs the Hall and the mischievous vampire starts to chuckle. The Hellsing Committee and the Headmaster of the magic school are the only persons in the room whom aren't affected by the demonic laughter. Integra stands up from her seat and goes to stand next to the amused magical principal. The colossal doors slam open and a large hellhound comes barreling in, causing chaos with every step. The students let rip ear-splitting shrieks and the teachers' terrified cries. The demonic dog crashes into the house's tables, sending a sea of underage witches and wizards fleeing for their lives. The monster runs back to the center of the room and races forward towards the faculty dining table. "Aaaalllluuuucccaarrrdddd!!!" The tanned knight roars at her servant. The vampiric beast skids to a halt in front of his master. Sir Integra is fuming. "You had to make a scene didn't you?!" She snarls as Alucard changes back into his human form. "Heh heh…" All the powerful vampire king could do was chuckle, angering his mistress even further. "I should decapitate you right now, you glorified son of a…!" Walter pulls the pissed-off Hellsing away from her naughty pet. The students and their teachers stare at the psychopathic vampire. He clears his throat. "My name is Alucard and I will be taking over Defense Against the Dark Arts classes. I certainly can not wait to start my lessons. Heh heh…"

* * *

**Walter: **Again, Miss Maibe has given me a small roll

**Magdalene: **Don't worry Walter. You'll get your chance (gives Walter a comforting hug)

**Maibe: **Stop hugging! We have work to do!

**Ron: **Review and read or Maibe will kill you


	4. House Elves are evil!

**Maibe: **I want a hellhound!

**Magdalene:** No more sugar for you.

**Maibe: **I'm searching for a man, all across Japan...

**Magdalene: **No we do not own the manga or book

**Maibe: **HUUGGGG MMEEEE!

**Magdalene: **Oh no! It's not sugar! She's had a mental breakdown!

* * *

**Chapter 4-**

The students hurry towards their houses, not wanting to bump into their new Defense teacher. "That's one mad teacher. I thought he was going to kill us all!" "You've got to admit, he's one skilled animagus." "True, but who in their right mind would want to be a hellhound?" "Well he's not in his right mind now is he?" The group of Hufflepuffs in front of the Gryffindor trio gossip and turn to their corridor. Harry and co walk towards their house guardian, the Fat Lady. She opens one eye as she sees the group approaching. "Password?" "Flaming hippogriffs." Her painting swings away from the entrance and the Gryffindors step into their common room. Harry and Ron plop into the arm chairs that were placed in front of the fireplace. "I'm just quickly going to fetch something from my room." Hermione states and scurries up the staircase that leads to their dormitories. "Man what a night! Professor Alucard is going to get quite a mouthful from Sir Integra hey?"

"Madman! An idiot! That's what he is!" Integra roars as she pulls out a bottle of scotch from the small cabinet in the back of the Defense class at her desk. "ALUCARD! Are you done yet?! I'm getting impatient!" She shouts. "Um Master… you wouldn't believe what's happened…" The shock vampire calls out from the office. "Oh god…!" She groans and clambers up the minute staircase.

"Ok Alucard what hap…" She starts her sentence before she sees the strange scene of a ridiculously tall vampire standing on top of an armoire, cowering away from two tiny house elves. "…pened? What the hell are these things?!" She shrieks and jumps onto the desk. "I have no idea Master! They won't talk and they seem to be unpacking your stuff." The No-Life King comments and slips closer to the shocked knight. "Hey be careful with that!" She shouts at the smaller house elf that was carrying a bottle of single-malt whiskey.

"Why did no one warn me that little midgets would be in my room?" She mutters to herself. "OUR room Master. Our room…heh heh" The strangely perverted vampire sniggers until he sees the elves trying to move his coffin out of the door. "HEY HEY! LEAVE THAT YOU LITTLE FREAKS!" He shouts and pulls out his precious handguns. Terrified out of their wits, the two elves race underneath armoire, staring up at the angry giant. "NEVER… TOUCH… MY… COFFIN… AGAIN…" He breathes out, still pointing the colossal weapons at them. "Yeessss… Yesss Sir…" They whimper, their tennis ball sized eyes glued to the monster.

* * *

**Magdalene: **Poor house elves. Maibe! What are you doing with that net?!

**Maibe:** Going with Alucard and Sir Integra elf-hunting

**Elf 1: **RUUUUNNNN!

**Sir Integra:** Review and read so we can go hunting


	5. Vampire? Who me?

**Maibe: **I'm running out of ideas

**Magdalene: **Do you wish me to continue?

**Maibe:** NO! I can do this!

**Magdalene:** Very well. We don't own Hellsing nor Harry Potter

**Maibe: **My brain hurts

* * *

**Chapter 5-**

"So what's our first class Hermione?" Ron manages to state though a breakfast-filled mouth. "Um let's see… Defense Against the Dark Arts with the Slytherins." She reads and pours a glass of Pumpkin juice for herself. Harry and Ron look over at those serpents table, seeing the unmistakable face of Malfoy loosing what ever color he had in his pasty face. "Heh heh. I bet you anything that he's bunking this morning." Harry comments as Walter walks past. "Good morning boys and Miss Hermione if I'm correct." He greets, pulling on his black gloves. "Good morning sir." "Where's professor Victoria and Alucard today sir?" Hermione asks, noticing the absence of the two Hellsing vampires. "Um Alucard isn't much of a morning person and Miss Seras must be preparing for her morning lessons." He stammers and hurries over to Snape. "Huh? Wonder what they're talking about?" The small group sneaks closer.

"Hello Severus." "Ah morning Walter, your fiendish friend made quite a splash last night." "Yes that's part of Alucard's nature. He loves tormenting the living daylights out of humans." The butler and potions master chuckle together and move a little further from the faculty and students. The Gryffindors hide behind a tall statue where it's easy to eavesdrop.

"I was actually wondering if had received my letter?" "The one concerning those two? Yes I did. I've got all their supplies locked up safely in one of the unused dungeon rooms." "Ah thank goodness! It's been difficult to bring because Alucard keeps devouring it and Miss Seras has finally start drinking it, so she's having it by the bucketful!" "Their feeding patterns are quite different from any other personnel we've had before." "Well Alucard has a slight fetish with the stuff! He enjoys spiking his wine with it too. Miss Victoria prefers drinking tomato juice though." "I heard the hound attacked a few house elves last night because they tried moving his coffin." "Oh he's very attached to that bloody thing! Made me carry it from England to Poland in 1944! Weighs a ton!" "Ha-ha! He's a real slave driver!" "Yes yes. He's simmered down over the centuries though. Used to be a lot worse. Oh you have to excuse me now. I have to prepare for my lessons and give this to Alucard. Thank you again for helping me."

The Angel of Death strides past quickly, holding a dark-tinted bottle in one hand. The little trio look pale. "You don't think…?" Ron whispers, trying to swallow back the bile in his mouth. "Don't be silly Ron. I pretty sure there's a logical explanation." She giggles feeblishly. "Yeah Ron. I pretty sure that the psychopath and police girl aren't vampires…"

* * *

**Maibe: **Fear you Nosferatu teacher! MWAHAHHAAHAHA!

**Walter: **So Miss Maibe, do know or not?

**Maibe:**... Not sure

**Ron: **Vvvaaammmpppiiirrreeesss aaarrreee iiinnnvvvaaadddiiinnnggg ooouuurrr sssccchhhooolll!

**Maibe: **Yes! Fear them!

**Snape: **Review and continue reading or ten points from Gryffindor.


	6. My Nosferatu Diary

**Maibe: **I'm tired

**Magdalene: **We don't own either stories

* * *

**Chapter 6-**

"Cripes it's dark in here." Some of the students comment as they enter the classroom. "_Lumos."_ The dark room is filled with silvery-light, the students staring dumb-folded at the once-pink chamber. Scattered across the room were occult relics, books on the undead and nosferatu-hunting equipment. The stone walls were there usual grey but with some strange dark crimson liquid scattered across the rocks. "Greetings little humans…" A voice hisses around the room, sending shivers down the children's spines. The liquid quickly moves towards the front of the classroom, making the students screech in alarm.

"Alucard that's enough. Take your seats students." An icy voice commands as the blonde knight appears next to her vampiric pet. The nosferatu clears his throat. "Your headmaster has informed me of all the sections of DADA you've learned about and I noticed that you have done very little on the sub-section of the Undead. This year I'll be teaching you about all the non-life creatures but mostly on the highest class of ghouls, the vampire, and how to hunt and kill them." He flashes a demonic smile, startling the unfortunate students sitting up front.

"Right. Who can tell me what a vampire is?" Hermione's hand shoots up like a rocket. "Yes, you miss…?" "Granger sir. A vampire is an undead former human, which drinks the blood of humans in order to survive. Their only known weakness is sunlight and can be killed by driving a stake though their hearts and cutting off their head." She answers, receiving a half-hearted nod form the professor.

"Not completely true, but I'll give you points for trying. Now as you have said, they are undead and drink blood, which is true. A human can only become a vampire if they are a virgin when their blood is drunk; otherwise they turn into mindless ghouls. Also some vampire can withstand sunlight and even though the main ways of exterminating a vampire is to chop off their heads and stake them, it is not the only ways to kill them. The use of blessed weapons and silver is also effective, if attacking in the head or heart. If a vampire hunter is strong enough, a strong thrust though the left ribcage should also kill the midian. When a vampire is killed, all its ghouls and familiars are destroyed as well. Now I want someone to hand out these textbooks so that you may begin with your first assignment."

* * *

**Maibe: **I wish one of my subjects was vampire hunting

**Harry: **You can do my assignment if you want

**Magdalene: **Sorry Harry but she's not allowed

**Alucard: **Review and read unless you want the assignment aswell


	7. Wait this isn't the 7th Chapter!

**Maibe: **(sulkining in corner) Why...?

**Magdalene: **Please excuse the fact that we have not uploaded in what seems like millenia but Yami has been very busy with her end of year exams, horse shows, art exhibitions and IT projects. She is also suffering from writers block so any suggestions would be helpful for the next chapter in Mayhem at Hogwarts! Also we'll be lengthing the chapters as many have said they are too short-

**Maibe: **(raises hand) Which they are!

**Magdalene: **And we'll be putting in some romance with a twist-

**Maibe: **Like someone perhaps falling for Girlycard!

**Magdalene:** And the Dark Lord-

**Maibe: **UNCLE VOLDIE! Will be making an appearance soon! Who knows! Maybe even Lucy from Elfen Lied!

**Magdalene: **Um... No... No Elfen Lied characters in this story please.

**Lucy: **(appears) And why not? (glaring at Magdalene)

**Magdalene: **Because... Um... We're planning a special Cross Over for the Elfen Lied characters! Yeah that's it!

**Lucy: **(not impressed by Magdalene)

**Maibe**: That's all the time we have- I'm writing Drama theory tomorrow and performing my piece and poem so off the Shadows with me! I am Yami Maibe, wishing all Twitards would die by being torn apart by Diclonius Mariko!

**Lucy:** ... Why Mariko?

**Maibe:** Cause I like corrupting little kids minds and she's a little kid. Besides... You have to go destroy 4Kids!

**Magdalene:** Bye-Ni!


End file.
